Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
