cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
