dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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