Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
