I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
