so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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