I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
