she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
