I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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