Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Alive.
So much puke
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I touched a dick in church today
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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