did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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