Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
