o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
