you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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