I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
