Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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