I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
