Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
