Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
