i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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