I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
