I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
