Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
