I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
