Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
