Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
