Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Let's paint friendship bongs
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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