It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
