I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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