Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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