Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
