I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
