I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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