Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
