Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
COCAINE IS GR8
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
