i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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