You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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