you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize