i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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