and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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