We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
