I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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