He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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