I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
