He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
