she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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