I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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