i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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