Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
