puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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