Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
