I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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