yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Green mimosas i think yes
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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