ya dads aren't the best wingmen
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
