Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Randomize
