The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
