How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
