Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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