well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Randomize