I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
