Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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