I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
