If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
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