I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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