party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
