some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Randomize
